We’ve all heard it time and time again, marriage is no walk in the park. But until you’ve been married and faced troubles, you don’t realize just how true that statement is.
Around 50% of marriages end in divorce. This also means around 50% of marriages succeed.
But sometimes, not on the first go. And there are some things I’ve found are different the second time you get married.
I was always of the illusion that nothing would change when I got married. After all, why should it?
Yes, we would now be ‘husband and wife’ but if our relationship was as good as I thought it was, shouldn’t it have still been the same? Shouldn’t we still communicate? Shouldn’t we still have fun?
For some people, marriage changes everything. So does having a family.
You can’t predict the changes that are going to happen to the people you love. And sometimes this leads to divorce.
But it isn’t all doom and gloom. There is life and love after divorce and a whole lot of life lessons and wisdom that comes with it.
You go into your second marriage knowing so much more after having lived it.
And you know that things are going to be different the second time you get married.
1 – You KNOW Marriage Isn’t All Wedded Bliss
For some it’s the honeymoon period, for others it might be a little bit longer (for me I didn’t get that at all in my first marriage) but there’s a time in a relationship where you just want to make your other half so happy you forget that you need to be happy too.
This usually works itself out with communication and you start to find your feet and find your balance.
Some couples get married so quickly they haven’t had to face any real challenges yet.
No major arguments, no family catastrophes, no life changes.
These are all things that can really change the way a person acts and reacts to situations, and it may not be the way you expect.
The second time you get married, you know that these events happen in life and in a relationship, and even if you haven’t faced any together as a couple, you know there’s a likelihood they are going to occur at some point.
So you’re prepared for it.
You know marriage isn’t all wedded bliss. You know there’s going to be ups and downs.
It’s like the difference between being blindfolded and getting on a roller coaster, and being on a roller coaster while being able to see.
You can see that there’s bends, bumps and turns coming so you can brace yourself and better prepare.
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2 – You Are Far More Confident In Yourself and What You Want
By the time you are ready for a relationship after your divorce you’re a little older, a little wiser and have a whole lot more introspection than you did the first time you entered into marriage.
Confidence is a huge asset in a relationship.
This isn’t the 1950’s, we aren’t submissive housewives who have no voice and no say in anything.
Being confident means you can be your true self in a relationship, no fear of upset or causing issues.
Because you know it’s not worth being in a relationship with someone if you can’t be who you are.
Confidence also means you’re more likely to communicate better.
You want to know more about what you’re getting into with this person to ensure you’re not ‘wasting your time’.
You know how painful a divorce is, you don’t want to go down that path again.
3 – You’re Not In A Rush
Maybe you got married quickly the first time around, maybe you took your time.
But when it comes to the second time you get married you aren’t in any rush to tie the knot.
You’ve already challenged the societal ‘acceptance’ by getting divorced, you don’t find any need to do things just to keep everyone else happy.
You might have a longer engagement, you might even get married relatively quickly.
The length of time between meet up and marriage doesn’t really matter to you – you just know you don’t need to rush things and you can do it all on your own time.
This goes for everything from making your relationship ‘Facebook official’ (because who really cares anyway), moving in with each other, to getting married.
4 – You Don’t Need The Big Wedding
We all dream of our perfect wedding.
Maybe you had that the first time you got married, or if you’re like me, you might have had what should have been an amazing wedding but were still left feeling like it was just a big show for everyone else and way too stressful.
The first time around you know people tell you it’s just a day but it’s your dang day and you’ll do it how YOU want.
All while trying to keep everyone else happy including your mum, mother in law and the small army of bridesmaids. It’s a huge feat.
The second time you get married, you see the wedding in a different way.
You don’t tend to care as much about what other’s think and know that it’s more important for you and your new husband to enjoy the day.
We went completely opposite for our second wedding and eloped.
We had zero guests, what better way to focus our wedding on just us than to make it all about just us?
We had a celebrant and two amazing photographers who also served as our witnesses and got married on the beach, our favourite place.
I had the most gorgeous custom made, rose gold dress and we had such an amazing day together.
It wasn’t a cheap wedding, we still had all the trimmings with an incredible professional photography team and a gorgeous honeymoon to Thailand, but we didn’t put ourselves into debt to start our married life together either.
5 – You’re Far More ‘We’ and Future Focused
The second time you get married, you realise how much your marriage is about you being a team rather than just two people being together.
Maybe you already have kids and need to present a united front there (because working as individuals in a family environment is tough and causes even more issues).
Or perhaps you just realise that there are things in life you need to be on the same page for, like your future and your goals.
Either way, you are far more focused on these things together and your future together.
I’ve seen married friends who are constantly working against each other and it makes me cringe.
They focus so much on themselves or they focus so much on the other person that they don’t end up communicating what is important and what they see their future to be.
Again, the second time around, you’re far more aware of communication and talk to each other more about what it is your future is going to look like together.
Just because you’re married the first time, doesn’t mean your marriage is absent of any of these things.
Maybe you’re rocking married life and you’re part of that 50% that is going to succeed.
If I was wearing one I’d take my hat off to you because dang, marriage can be tough.
And just because you’re married the second time doesn’t mean these things are all going to be present.
It requires a lot of introspection and self-evaluation to be able to be successful in a marriage too – sometimes it takes people a while to get there.
But these are the things I’ve found to be different the second time you get married, well for me at least (and I know for others too).
Mariah L Anders
Tuesday 26th of March 2019
I feel like theres no one list, this may be true for you but many of these things are completely based on the person, many who marry again get married at the court house and then renew their vows later. There are also many time children who come into play the next time. There are other things that are deff different the second time around but I dont think these are necessarily it. I for one want those beautiful wedding pictures because as a CNA i know that theyre all you have when youre older and feel like I deserve those even though I was married before. I also feel like our daughters deserve them. For two we were in a hurry to get married so we would have the same last name when our daughter was born, but it also felt different and I knew I was excited to spend my life with my husband.
Wednesday 28th of February 2018
It sounds like you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
Wednesday 28th of February 2018
Hence the divorce... I believe a lot of women fall into the trap of the 'idea' of marriage as opposed to the marriage itself or feel pressure to get married from others. So grateful I was able to learn from my mistakes and have a wonderfully strong marriage the second time around :-)
Monday 25th of December 2017
I'm not so sure that all people learn from a failed first marriage. I've known many who have failed to examine themselves and fall straight back into the same patterns. Rebound relationships, hostile extended families, troubled children, sabotaging inlaws, difficult former spouses, divided loyalties, financial responsibilities, delayed grief for a former life...these can all get in the way. It's not just our own unresolved baggage but the issues and prejudices of stakeholders both minor and major. If I was remarrying I'd respond decisively to any adult who undermined the new relationship.