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Remember the good old days when your libido was always warmed up and ready to answer the call? Do those days seem nothing more than a foggy memory? I get it. Life happens. Babies happen. Laundry piles up, dishes never end. Days turn into weeks, and weeks into months. You’re bogged down in survival mode and your romantic life is suffering.
It’s not that you’re just not in the mood at the moment. It’s that you don’t even want to think about being in the mood. You don’t need another item on your To Do List.
Your husband was probably patient and understanding at first. He knows how much you have on your plate. But as the months drag on he begins to wonder if you are still in there? Where did the girl of his dreams go? Does she even love him anymore? In an ideal world you’d both be communicating your needs and navigating all these relationship pitfalls together. But back in the real world, you’re busy just trying to keep your heads above water.
If this sounds familiar, and you feel ready to make a change, tag your husband in this post, send it to him in an email, or just hand him your phone and tell him to read. I’m betting if you’re starting to recognize a need to get “back to normal” he has too, and is wondering what he’s done wrong, or how he can help.
Dear Husbands, the rest of this article is for you.
Have you noticed that your lovely wife is never in the mood anymore? Not just “Not tonight”, but not at all? The first thing you need to do is rule out obvious causes like recent childbirth, or illness.
If neither of those is the problem then you need to evaluate how tired your wife may be. Perhaps you’ve had a baby in the past year or so. Maybe you have older kids and Mom has gone back to work. Maybe she works from home. Maybe none of those things is the case, but you’re both so busy that you haven’t had a chance to connect on an emotional level.
Speaking from personal experience, the times when I’m least interested in sex have been the times when I feel like I can’t catch a breath or moment to myself between the demands on my time, my body, and my brain power.
Running a household is hard work, and I know it’s a terrible cliché, but a woman’s work is truly never done. Add kids, jobs, and the tendency to put self-care last (often to the point it just doesn’t happen) and you can see how she might be physically and spiritually drained. If you want to get your wife back in the bedroom, first you have to help her start feeling like herself everywhere else.
In short: Before you try to feel her up, you need to fill her cup.
She Needs to Know You See and Appreciate Her Hard Work
Women often feel that no one appreciates all the little things we do every day to keep life running smoothly at home. Not only is there no paycheck, but the work doesn’t stay done.
It’s an awful lot like rolling that proverbial boulder uphill. Forever. Even on the weekend. Even on Christmas. So tell her the house looks nice. Tell her dinner was delicious. Let her hear you brag her up to your buddies.
And thank her for taking care of all the little things you need to keep on keeping on. Every Day.
She Needs To Feel Understood and Supported
Husbands and Dads are some of the coolest people on the planet. Who else would let the kids build a monster fort in the dining room, or start a tickle fight right before bedtime?
Those are awesome things, which add up to a life well-lived. But could ya just dial it back a bit?
Wives grow weary of being the bad guy, scowling and scrubbing while hearing peals of laughter from the other room. There are ways of being Super-Fun-Cool-Guy that don’t undo or interfere with what she’s been working at all day.
Call her up at noon to ask how her day is going, and tell her you’ll take care of dinner tonight. Bring home a pizza and cue up a kids flick so the two of you can visit in the kitchen while the kids enjoy their movie. Wash the dishes. Take over the bedtime routine once a week so she can join a Bible study or book club. When was the last time you saw her drink a glass of water? Go get her one.
At the very least don’t do anything to make extra work for her. For crying out loud, when you take your socks off put them in the hamper instead of stuffing them into the couch cushions.
Last But Not Least, She Needs To Feel Desirable
And I can almost guarantee, that if her libido has gone missing, she doesn’t. The cure for this is more complicated than you might think, so don’t just whistle at her when she bends over to change the Swiffer and assume that you’re back on track.
This is Marriage, not Greek Row. You need to help her get time to do things that feel good just for her.
Take the kids to the playground so she can have a nice long shower. And don’t try to hurry back so you can peek at her in there. Hire a babysitter and take her out for dinner and some grown-up conversation. Give her a 10 second hug and a real kiss every time you get home from work. Sneak up and kiss the back of her neck. Then leave her alone. No expectations of more at this point.
Put In The Time
There are very few fast cures for relationship hurdles in this world, so you’re going to have to change the way you operate, not just for now, but for as long as it takes, and maybe forever.
Your wife didn’t lose her libido overnight, and you can’t expect to fix the problem by waving a magic wand (or anything else) at her. You don’t have to do all the things on this list every day, but do make a habit of showing her that you’re on her side, and you love and appreciate her.
Odds are it will pay off not only in the bedroom but in your entire relationship.
And that’s good news for the whole family.