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“I just want my husband to be more romantic.” How many times have you heard that, or even said it yourself? But how do you actually go from wanting your husband to be more romantic, to having a husband who understands what romance means to you and makes spontaneous romantic gestures (it’s possible!!).
It all starts with asking yourself, ‘what is romance?’
Romance isn’t always about date nights and candlelight dinners. Romance in a relationship is a selfless act done for someone you love, in hopes of making them smile, or making their day a little easier, or simply because you were thinking about them.
Let that sink in for a minute.
Romance comes from both sides of the relationship, and means different things to everyone, so it can take some time, communication and experimenting to find out what romance means to your relationship, and how you can make it happen.
But to get you off to a good start, here are some things you should consider when trying to get your husband to be more romantic.
1 – Talk To Each Other About Your Understanding Of Romance and What It Looks Like For You
There are women who want to be wooed and swooned over, to have a husband who surprises her with a vacation, comes home with bunches of roses, and makes her breakfast in bed. But then there are women who believe that romance to them is when her husband stops what he is doing to kiss her, or tells her that she looks amazing today.
Everyone is different and everyone has a different understanding of what ‘romance’ is. So how do you get on the same page?
You have to talk about it of course! If all you’re saying is ‘I want you to be more romantic’ but you’re not explaining what ‘more romantic’ looks like to you, then nothing is going to change.
One of the best ways to do this is by taking the Love Language test and you can also read the 5 Love Languages book to get a better understanding, but initially, the test will give you a really good place to start.
You might be surprised to find that your husbands love language is ‘acts of service’ and your love language is ‘quality time’. Which means, when your husband is checking the tire pressure on your car, cleaning it inside and out and making sure there’s enough gas in it, that is his idea of romance!!. But it is the complete opposite for you because all you want is for him to spend time with you!
This alone is a massive ah-ha moment for so many couples and can totally change how you see your husband’s romantic approach as well as giving him a more specific idea of how he can show you romantic gestures that speak to your love language.
2 – Take Initiative and Show Him
I know it can be difficult when you feel like you are always the one doing all the things, but if you can take a step back from that and just show your husband what romance looks like then you’re going to be in a much better position.
Often couples get locked in a battle of wills and at some point, someone (or something) has to give in order to move forward.
Perhaps your husband hasn’t been super romantic in the past, but that’s the past. After you are both on the same page with your love languages, everything becomes a new playing field.
So show him how romance is done. Run him a bath with candles and tell him to relax. Bring him a bunch of flowers. Cook his favourite meal and dessert and have a romantic dinner date at home.
If you want change to happen, make change happen.
3 – Avoid The Urge To Take Over Or Tell Him It’s Wrong
Now, let’s be honest… are there times when your husband has gone to do something, but it’s not quite the way you like it to be done, so you take over or just do it yourself anyway? Yes? No? Just me?
Often, two people don’t have the same idea of how things need to be done. And despite what we think, there’s more than one way to do things.
But what happens when we take over or criticise is that we are saying with our actions that what our husband is doing isn’t good enough. So while his intentions may be good, we miss the ‘romance’ cues because we are quick to jump in and take over.
This doesn’t only happen one way, my husband would do this to me too when I would stack the dishwasher (he is very particular about the dishwasher) or anything that he felt I wasn’t doing right. And you know what? It was really frustrating. And I didn’t want to do it anymore.
So if your husband goes to do something, and it’s not the way you want it done or would normally do it, stop and ask yourself if it’s really worth taking over, or if this is one of those ‘romance’ moments that you might be missing.
4 – Get Creative And Make A ‘Romance To Do List’
Sometimes it’s just easier if you spell things out… seriously. You want your husband to take you on a date to that new Italian restaurant you’ve been eyeing off? Add it to a ‘Romance To Do List’ and start ticking things off.
Be sure you both add to it, so you can make romantic gestures for each other. Perhaps you could go out for a date night, or have a romantic dinner in, so you’re in the mindset of romantic gestures, and start creating your ‘romance to do list’.
Once you start getting into the flow of making romantic gestures for each other, it will start to happen more naturally, without needing as much thought. Romance is a habit we can create in our relationships, but we need to start somewhere.
5 – Keep The Conversations Positive
Do you struggle to talk about anything without it ending in an argument? Do you feel like you’re not being heard? Or do you feel like you don’t really know your husband anymore? Or perhaps you’re just missing that romance factor, and you’re not sure where to start?
Communication is the most important factor in any relationship, and good communication starts with positive conversations.
When we have conversations around negative topics, we subconsciously try to avoid them, therefore leading to us avoiding conversations with our partners altogether… which is where problems really start to build up.
Kick off conversations with simple, silly questions for each other. Noting too serious or heavy. Just light-hearted and fun. Use the questions checklist below if you need some inspiration.
6 – Understand Things Aren’t Going To Change Overnight
Remember how I said romance is a habit you can create in your relationship? Well, habits aren’t created overnight. They are created from a conscious effort and from showing up over and over again to make something happen. And it’s not going to be perfect straight away, which is perfectly normal.
Think about when you’ve started a new exercise routine or healthy eating kick, it takes more effort to start but as you keep going, it becomes easier and easier.
Yes, I just compared romance in a relationship to an exercise routine.
Keep your expectations realistic. Small steps over time lead to massive changes in relationships, and every small step forward is closer to where you want your relationship to be.
7 – Remember Romance Comes From Both Of You And Can Be In Many Forms
If you’re concerned about the level of romance in your relationship, you need to take an objective look and ask if you’ve been lacking in the romance field too? It can be difficult to step back and look at your relationship in this way, especially if you’ve felt like you’ve always been the one stepping up in the past.
Initiate the romantic gestures. Find one of your husband’s romance items off the to-do list and do it for him first. Don’t wait around for romance to happen, take the first step and make it happen, because it comes from both sides. Even if it doesn’t meet your traditional ‘romance’ thoughts.
To make this whole romance and communication aspect of your relationship a lot easier, I created a ‘Relationship Planner’ that is jam-packed with fun relationship lists and activities. I absolutely love this planner and use it in my marriage all the time! Print it out, put it in a binder and use it as much as you’d like!