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Breakups suck, there’s no denying it. Whether you’re the instigator or the recipient the process is still difficult. Some times, it also drags out and we find ourselves in a post breakup rut. Maybe you’ve found yourself there too. Where you’re kind of not sure about yourself anymore, not as happy as you could be and not feeling motivated to do anything other than watch sappy movies on Netflix all day.
It’s shit, and it feels like it will never end. But I promise, there is light at the end of the tunnel! These are some of the best ways to get your butt into gear and out of your post breakup rut.
1 – Get Your Anger/Resentment/Hurt Out
Write out every bitter, angry or hurt feeling you have about the relationship. Put it all out there on paper and don’t hold back. Let it all go. It’s going to feel yuk and weird at first, you might even have trouble remembering things. But once you start you’ll be on a roll and all of these emotions will come up you didn’t even know you had. This is a good thing. This is a cleansing thing. If it’s on paper it’s not just living in your head anymore. You can get rid of it.
Now, while you might be thinking that taking that piece of paper and setting it on fire is the way to go, there’s a much more effective response.
Practice Ho’oponopono. This is where you go through each of the memories and feelings you’ve listed and say a quick little ritual for each. You can read more about the practice here. It may feel a little silly at first but even if you’re not quite woo woo enough to really believe it, give it a go anyway. You might be surprised at how effective it is.
2 – Look At The Big Picture
Have you ever heard the saying that there’s 3 sides to every story? Yours, theirs and the truth? Sounds a little harsh but it’s true. This is because we all perceive things differently. What you may believe and feel happened, versus what your ex may believe and feel happened could be two totally different things. And this isn’t to say one of you is lying, it’s just how things are perceived.
With this in mind, it’s a good idea to try and take a step back and look at your relationship and breakup from that third point of view. Acknowledge both parties influence over the outcome of your relationship, regardless of who wronged who. This isn’t a blame game, this is a big picture look at things. And it isn’t about overlooking behaviours and actions taken and placing blame with someone else.
If your ex cheated on you, this isn’t about you saying that it was your fault. It’s about looking at things objectively.
He may have cheated, but what happened before that? What was your relationship really like? Not that this excuses the behaviour but perhaps your relationship wasn’t that great before. Realising this can sometimes help move past the betrayal you felt from catalyst that was the cheating episode.
This is an exercise in self reflection and if you’ve not done this a lot before, it may be wise to seek assistance in this process by a counsellor so you don’t swing in the wrong direction and take all the blame on yourself.
3 – Read Some Amazing Books
Books can be a great source of inspiration and motivation. They can help you feel empowered and help you realise that you are your own person outside of your relationship – now is the perfect time to find who she is again. This list of books will literally change your life. They are my favourite when it comes to motivation and building yourself back up again.
If you’re not a book person that’s okay – there’s always podcasts, motivational speakers and audio books you could try. You could even find some movies to watch that build you up and inspire you (but do steer clear of the sappy romance stories).
4 – Create a Plan
With every breakup there’s a stage of limbo where you’re not quite sure what’s happening. Even more so if you’ve been living together and have significantly integrated your lives together. Create your plan of action for how you’re going to separate the nitty gritty details and move forward.
Start with anything you have that is a ‘joint’ ownership. These can be bank accounts, division of assets like furniture or even your house. Get yourself a new bank account if you need to, work out which of your joint possessions you actually need vs want and let go of anything that doesn’t actually make you happy. While it might seem important at the time to obtain more of the possessions, over time you may no longer want them because of what they represent. Be as objective as possible and ring in a friend if you need help.
Then start formulating your plan for yourself. What are your next steps. You now only have to worry about your own happiness and your own agenda. You are officially the most important person in your life – that is freaking awesome and exactly how it should be. Treat yourself like it and plan how you want to tackle the next stage of your life. This can be so incredibly exciting.
5 – Get Moving
I don’t mean you have to move house or towns or state to be able to get over your post break up rut. I mean you need to get that butt of yours moving! Not only is it amazing for your post break up bod (all that extra time can now be spent in pilates and gym membership) but exercise also releases endorphins and increases serotonin. Two things that make us super happy!
6 – Spend Time Focusing On You
Go places you’ve always wanted to go, spend time with the friends you didn’t have as much time to spend with and book yourself in for that massage. The time after a breakup is for healing of your self, replenishing your self esteem and focusing on you. Regardless of how confident you are, a breakup always puts a bit of a dent in your self confidence. Work on boosting that back up and spend this time focusing on you.
Find value in time alone, get excited about going out for dinner and be confident when saying you want a table for one. Take day trips or mini holidays to the beach or to wherever you feel happy. You could even plan a big overseas trip. Whatever you’ve always wanted to do but have been putting off. Now is the time to do it. Treat yo’ self.
7 – Resist The Urge to Drunk Dial or Send Nasty Text Messages
Remember all the work you put into #1 of this list? If you decide to send nasty messages or leave silly drunk dial voicemails then you’re undoing all the hard work you did and inviting negativity back into your life. No way! You don’t deserve that!
Why spend your precious energy focusing on someone who isn’t part of your future anymore, and why put out such negative energy, when you could redirect it into all the good that is still part of your life. Or, more importantly, spend that energy on yourself! You’re far more worthy!
While each breakup is different, it is always so important to spend time focusing on yourself and looking forward to the amazing future you have ahead of yourself.
What have you done to help move yourself out of your post breakup rut?